This is for anyone alive and breathing, INCLUDING myself, who once in a while feel that they don't quite know who they are, why they are, and what they are doing.  Every one feels bogged down, or defeated by their weight, or by their looks.  Does society, friends, family, and the media say you are too fat (or too skinney)?  Get over it!  Time to love yourself.  Read on to find out one person's ideas on finding parts of your "True Self".  Do you live for your "fictional self" or your "actual self"?

Self Matters and Self Matters Companion

(Buy the books, too!)

www.DrPhil.com

Internal vs. External Factors

In order to define your self-concept and how it came to be, you need to understand two major sets of factors that help shape who you are:

External Factors: You can trace who you've become in this life back to 10 defining moments, seven critical choices and five pivotal people. You cannot change these moments, choices and people, but once acknowledged, you can begin to work on changing your future.

Internal Factors: Unlike the external factors that we have no control over, our internal factors are made up of our own reactions to the events in our life. Since these reactions happen within us, we have the power to change them.

Identifying these factors along with the effects that they have had on your self-concept will allow you to deal with them in the here and now. By doing this you will be able to take your power back, stop being a passenger in your life, and start driving.

Defining Your External Factors

According to Dr. Phil, you can trace who you've become in this life to three types of external factors: 10 defining moments, seven critical choices, and five pivotal people. But first it's important to understand the following terms:

Defining Moments: In every person's life, there have been moments, both positive and negative, that have defined and redefined who you are. Those events entered your consciousness with such power that they changed the very core of who and what you thought you were. A part of you was changed by those events, and caused you to define yourself, to some degree by your experience of that event.

**List 10 Defining Moments that helped you become who you are:  What did I feel at that moment in time? (one way the moment before, and changed forever afterwards; like getting burned)

Critical Choices: There are a surprisingly small number of choices that rise to the level of life-changing ones. Critical choices are those that have changed your life, positively or negatively, and are major factors in determining who and what you will become. They are the choices that have affected your life up to today, and have set you on a path.

** List 7 Choices that have affected life up to this present day:

Pivotal People: These are the people who have left indelible impressions on your concept of self, and therefore, the life you live. They may be family members, friends or co-workers, and their influences can be either positive or negative. They are people who can determine whether you live consistently with your authentic self, or instead live a counterfeit life controlled by a fictional self that has crowded out who you really are.

** List 5 Pivotal People that have influenced your life:

There are also different types of friends we need to be aware of, and it is said that in order for you to be a well rounded person, you almost need one of each.

Friends

"Historical Friends"- we need to remember where we came from

"Crisis Queen/King"-dont do all the giving.

"Busy Friend"-can drain you

"Cross-Generational Friend"-it is always good for us to have someone younger or older than ourselves...

"Avoidant friend" (the-boy/girlfriend-is-the-first-priority type of friend)

"Fun-to-be-with-now" friend

Defining Your Internal Factors

Internal factors are reactions that you create inside yourself in response to the world. Even though they happen inside you, it's best to think about them as behaviors because they are actions that you choose. By choosing how to perceive yourself, you can either behave your way to success or behave your way to failure. For example, if you believe you are competent and special, you will live up to that truth. If you believe you are incompetent and worthless, you will live down to that truth.

The powerful internal factors that shape your self-concept are:
Internal Dialogue: This is the continuous conversation that you have with yourself about everything that happens to you. This dialogue is constant, happens in real time (at the same rate at which you would speak the words aloud), and provokes a physiological change (with each thought comes a physical reaction).

Labeling: Humans tend to organize things into categories. We even categorize other humans by labeling them into groups, subgroups, classes and functions. But were you aware that we label ourselves? For better or worse, these labels have a powerful impact on our perception of self because we tend to "live" the categories we've attached to ourselves ("I'm a loser" or "I'm a winner.")

Tapes: These are beliefs that have become so deeply ingrained that they "play" automatically in our heads and influence our behavior without our awareness. Unlike labels ("I never win"), tapes have context: "I won't get the promotion because I never win." Tapes are dangerous and potentially self-defeating because they have the power to set you up for a specific outcome.

(It's not okay for people to say negative things about who you are, but we all need to find out where we are in life.  We all have choices every single day of our lives.  The most important person you have in your life is you.  If I bailed out on myself, how can others be there for me when I'm not there for myself?  We all have to think, "I am proud of who I am, and what I've becom?.  Every problem with self-esteem is based on figuring out why there is damage and than how to undo it.  You couldn't do anything about it then, but you can own it now!  You can own what you do about it now.  (Did you know: Every bad comment gets repeated in your head 600 times a day subconsciously?!?)

Fixed Beliefs / Limiting Beliefs: Fixed beliefs are the beliefs we hold about ourselves, others, and life's circumstances that have been repeated for so long they have become ingrained and are difficult to change. Limiting beliefs are the beliefs we have about ourselves that limit what we reach for and achieve. They also cause us to block any conflicting (positive) information while confirming any new negative information.

How Do You Label Yourself?

Labels are incredibly powerful influences in your life. You may not be consciously aware of even a fraction of your labels, whether they come from the outside world or from within yourself. Either way, you must acknowledge the existence of labels, challenge the "fit," and confront the impact these labels have on your concept of self.

Ask yourself the following questions in order to start identifying and evaluating your labels. Write your answers down so that you can review them later.

1. How do you label yourself? Are you a career woman, a mom, an accountant, a politician? Are you a failure or a winner? Are you a "fat girl/boy" or a "pretty girl/boy?" Write down all the labels you attach to yourself, going back as far as you can remember.

2. Where did these labels come from? Did they come from you? Your parents? A teacher? A friend? Look at each label you wrote down in the above question, and identify where each one came from.

3. Are you living to your labels? How are your labels working for you? What are your payoffs?

What Is Your Life Script?

How fixed beliefs define our roles:
Our fixed beliefs define the roles we play in life and have a lot to do with the scripts that are running them. Just as actors follow a play's script for lines, actions and attitude, we follow life scripts according to what our fixed beliefs tell us. Are you telling yourself that you are a tragic character or heroic character? Are you playing the loving mother, abusive husband, frustrated artist or successful businessman?

Why scripts are dangerous:
Whatever your fixed beliefs are, you have practiced your script for so long that you believe what it says about you and your potential. This is why life scripts are dangerous. We begin to perceive them as being set in stone. We even allow them to shape the way we expect things to turn out. Fixed beliefs also influence the casting, location and wardrobe of our script. Who is "right" for the part in our script and who isn't? What type of living arrangement and attire are appropriate for the character we are playing, etc.?

When life scripts become limiting:
Because our scripts are based on fixed beliefs, we tend to resist any challenges or changes to them. If we suddenly feel happy and fulfilled, but our script says that we should feel sad and hopeless, we tend to panic because we've gone "off script." It just doesn't feel right and besides, the happy role belongs to someone else, doesn't it? This is an example of why most fixed beliefs are also limiting beliefs. They limit our scripts by dictating what we can't do, don't deserve and aren't qualified for.

Self-Matters Action Plan

You can't change what you don't acknowledge but you can change what you do acknowledge. You can stop being passively shaped by the internal and external forces in your life. It's time to move your self-concept away from a world-defined, fictional self toward a self-defined, authentic self that is grounded in the here and now.

Here is an overview of Dr. Phil's Five-Step Action Plan:

Step 1: Isolate a Target Event
Decide which of your key external events has turned out to be the most toxic experience of your life. This will be either one of your 10 defining moments, seven critical choices or five pivotal people. Then write a short description of the target event. When you're done, read it over to make sure you are being honest in your account.

Step 2: Audit Your Internal Responses to That Triggering Event
Ask yourself the following questions about the event you described in Step 1:

a) Where do you place a responsibility or blame for that event, your locus of control? Who was responsible? Did you have any control over the situation? Were you even old enough to have a say?
b) What has been the tone and content of your internal dialogue since that event? Do you find your real-time, "normal speed" conversations in your daily life reflecting the changes that occurred within you and are associated with that event? When you reflect on this event, what do you say to yourself? Even when you're not reflecting directly on the event, but experience feelings of guilt and shame, what do you say to yourself?
c) What labels have you generated for yourself as a result of your event? What have you told yourself about you as a consequence of what happened?
d) What tapes has this event generated or contributed to? Has this event caused you to develop an automatic, unthinking response that "predicts" the outcome of any given situation?
e) What are the fixed beliefs and resulting life script that you have constructed as a result of your event? Do you suspect you are living from a "script" that was written as a result of this event?

Step 3: Test Your Internal Responses for Authenticity
You can test everything you are saying to yourself and find out whether it is fictional or authentic by asking these four questions:

a) Is it a true fact?
b) Does holding onto the thought or attitude serve your best interest?
c) Are your thoughts and attitudes advancing and protecting your health?
d) Do your thoughts and beliefs get you what you want?

Step 4: Come up with an "Authentically Accurate Alternative" Response
When you test your negative internal dialogue and it fails (as it should because it isn't true), you need to do what Dr. Phil calls "Triple-A thinking." This means replacing your fictional responses with ones that are an Authentically Accurate Alternative. How do you know your new responses are AAA? Because they meet the authenticity standards outlined in Step 3. Start by dividing a page into two columns. On the left, list your present fictional beliefs ("I am worthless"). On the right, list as many alternative beliefs as you can. ("I am a worthy human being with valuable qualities" "I deserve to be treated with respect" "I have things to contribute to the world").

Now it's time to test your alternative beliefs.

a) Is the alternative true?
b) Is it in your best interest to hold these beliefs?
c) Do the alternatives advance and protect your health?
d) Do the alternatives get you what you truly want?

Circle all of the alternative beliefs that have passed the test. Now you can choose to adopt as many of these authentic alternative beliefs as you like.

Step 5: Identify and Execute Your Minimal Effective Response (MER)
The goal of Step 5 is emotional closure. You want to be able to close the book on the life event that caused you so much pain with a minimal amount of effort. Consider your alternatives for action and ask yourself these four questions:

a) What action can you take to resolve the pain?
b) If you were successful and achieved this action, how would you feel?
c) Does the feeling you will have match the feeling you want to have?
d) Remember the word "minimal." Could there be some other, more emotionally or behaviorally economical action that would give you the emotional resolve you want to feel?

Whatever your MER is, you need to identify it and do it so that you can achieve emotional closure and move on to a more authentic, fulfilling life.

Protecting Yourself From Sabotage

Now that you've taken charge of your life and are committed to staying on the path of your authentic self, don't be surprised if those closest to you try to sabotage your efforts. Sometimes friends and family will unconsciously try to keep you "on script" with your fictional self in order to protect you or protect themselves from change.

There are four basic patterns of behavior that others typically use to destroy your quest for authenticity. It's important to be aware of these patterns and not allow them to make you regress back to a more fictional self.

The four destructive behaviors are:

1. Overprotection
The underlying message here is one of fear. "I don't want you to get hurt." "Trying something new could result in failure." This pattern is dangerous because it's often masked as love and concern and is therefore difficult to fight.

2. Power Manipulation
In this form of sabotage, people attempt to take away your personal power in order to maintain their old relationship with you. They figure that if they treat you like a child, you will yield to their suggestions like a child. "What idiot told you it would be good to go back to school?" "Do you honestly think you'll keep the weight off?"

3. Leveling
People who feel inadequate will sometimes try to "level" those who have what they want. Your success could pose a threat and cause them to sabotage you in any way they can in order to bring you down to their level.

4. Safety in the Status Quo
People are comfortable with circumstances that they know and are even possibly familiar, even if the circumstances are bad. A change for the better is still a change -- a complete threat to familiarity and the security of the status quo. Don't be surprised if others perceive your reconnection with your authentic self as something threatening that they need to destroy.

A Self-Esteem Quiz

Improving your self-esteem is a lot of work. Start by asking yourself these questions.

1. Is your self-esteem based on what others think of you?
2. Do you do things to make other people happy, even if it makes you feel bad? 

3. Do you have a hard time being happy for others when they succeed?
4. Do you call yourself names like "stupid" or "dummy" when you make mistakes or sometimes even when you don't?

5. Do you have a hard time taking risks?

Scoring:
If you answered yes to any of these questions, your self-concept or self-esteem may be distorted. If you answered yes to three or more, then you are not living authentically.

Defining Your Authentic Self

Are you living a life that is more in tune with your "authentic" self (who you were created to be) or your "fictional" self (who the world has told you to be)?

You probably weren't even aware that these versions of your "self" existed! Dr. Phil explains the difference between the "authentic" and "fictional" self:

Authentic Self

When you're asked, "Who are you  __fill in your name here??"_  & what is your answer? "I'm a mom." "I'm a doctor." "I live in Ohio." Often the answer is not who you are, but what you do, what your social station is, or how you see your function in life. You can't answer who you are, because you don't know.

There is a whole other level of existence that is the real, true, genuine substance of who you are. It's what Dr. Phil defines as the "authentic" self.

The "authentic" self is the you that can be found at your absolute core. It is the part of you not defined by your job, function or role. It is the composite of all your skills, talents and wisdom. It is all of the things that are uniquely yours and need expression, rather than what you believe you are supposed to be and do.

Fictional Self

When you're not living faithfully to your authentic self, you find yourself feeling incomplete, as if there is a hole in your soul. You may have found that it's easier to fill the roles your family and friends expect of you, rather than becoming who you really want to be. Living this way drains you of the critical life energy you need to pursue the things you truly value.

When you live a life that has you ignoring your true gifts and talents while performing assigned or inherited roles instead, you are living as your "fictional" self.

The "fictional" self sends you false information about who you are and what you should be doing with your life. It blocks the information you need in order to maintain the connection with your authentic identity. Relying on information from the fictional self means you're putting your trust in a broken compass.

Are You Ready?

Find out if you are ready to find your authentic self and begin to live by design. Respond to these questions honestly and thoroughly. There are no right or wrong answers; rather, these questions are designed to get you thinking about your authentic self. After you've completed this exercise, save your answers. They'll be helpful as you continue the Self Matters process.

1. Did you at one time listen carefully to your innermost voice? Describe this moment.

When was it and what was the circumstance?

Do you suspect that somehow, somewhere along the way, you have lost contact with it?

2. Is your behavioral life, your public persona, at odds with the values, beliefs, desires, passions and visions that define your authentic self? ____ If so, how?

3. Do you know, today, in vivid detail, who the authentic you is? Or are you living a compromised existence?

Discover Your Life Chain

Just think about where you were born, what family you were born into, and who you grew up around. You simply became part of a long chain -- its links consisting of your parents, your grandparents and your siblings. Consider the momentum that this chain created -- the messages and expectations that passed from one link to the next, through generations. That chain sealed much of the fate that was to be yours. You did not have the slightest choice about the links in your life chain, but you do have a choice in what you do now!

Example: You grew up with a mother and father who believed that they, and therefore you and the rest of your family, were all second-class citizens who should keep their heads down and not make waves. You probably learned to just be glad that you were even permitted into this world.

Statistics indicate that most people are tremendously confined by the life circumstance that they inherit, totally ignoring whether this is a life they would have chosen. You don't have to mindlessly go along with this life chain you have both inherited and passively contributed to. You can begin to shape its links, actively and consciously.

Answer the questions below. Write out and save your work -- you may want to review it as the Self Matters process continues.

1. Where were you born?  _______________

2. Where do you live now?  _______________
3. What do/did your mother and father do for a living?  ________________
4. What do you do for a living?  ____________________-
5. What were your parents' beliefs about family? _________________

Religion/belief? _________

Politics?  __________

Their place in the world?  _____________________

6. What are your beliefs about family? _________________________

Religion? _____________

Politics? ______________

Your place in the world?  _____________________________

7. What is your life chain?  _______________________

The Authenticity Litmus Test

We all have beliefs and attitudes that shape our views. Now it's time to equip yourself with some clear-cut criteria for authenticity, the standard by which you can test your internal responses. Through this self-appraisal, you will determine whether your perceptions, thoughts and attitudes contribute to your authentic self or pull you instead toward a fictional self-concept.

When you use these questions to evaluate your every thought and perception, you will see clearly how authentic or fictional your internal thoughts are. Respond to these questions; write them out, and save them for future Self Matters exercises. You can come back to this page to do this exercise for all your major beliefs.

1. Enter a thought, belief or attitude that you hold about yourself.

_______________________________________________
2. Is it a true fact? Is what you are thinking or feeling verifiably true?

_______________________________________________
3. Does holding on to the thought or attitude serve your best interests?

_______________________________________________

Does it make you happy, calm, peaceful and fulfilled?

_______________________________________________


4. Are your thoughts and attitudes advancing and protecting your health?

_______________________________________________

Do your thoughts about yourself push you into situations that put your well-being at risk?

_______________________________________________

5. Does this attitude or belief get you more of what you want, need and deserve?

_______________________________________________
Or is it leading you toward or keeping you in circumstances that you don't want?

_______________________________________________